Postmodern Xmas Recipes for Postmodern People who don’t give a stuff about Cooking!

Update 31/12/12: Okay people, let me explain….This blog is extremely sarcastic…it makes fun of all the food porn culture…and Yes, I do indeed hate Nigella Lawson because  can’t you all see that Nigella is a New Labour fantasy Pop Tart constructed by the low-brow taste of ITV?….She tried to make Tony and Cherie Blair look sexy and like they could be swingers? (GRoss! Yew!)…and also do you all always wear tight little twin sets and compare your own boobies to the white chocolate blanc mange when you are cooking in the kitchen and rub up against the kitchen bench to make sure you get a bit of that 49% male viewers rating up? 

If you all still love her dribbling nonsense and spilling stuff on her DDD tits for a bit of food-porn, Why don’t you all decide to wear a tight cashmere sweater and smear yourselves in chocolate sauce a la Nigella Lawson doing a food porn video…

***Please send me a video so that I can re-set it to some 60s Swedish barnyard porn music…and then turn it into an extra sarcastic Art installation! hahahhaa. I hate this and that is exactly why I wrote my atrociously sarcastic blog! duh!

Here: 

CREDITS : Get their song on iTune here
Written by Peter Furia and Mark Douglas

 

“We” (meaning My theoretic instructions and his Military precision execution in terms of being able to “take orders”) cooked Xmas meal in a ” kitchen”, it worked out really well…which was VERY Surprising for me since I made the whole thing up in my head!

Finally all those dreary hours where I attempted to fail home-economics by failing to “appraise the presentation of the hor d’oeavres and the fluffiness of the mini home baked chocolate eclair” at the girl’s grammar school I went to, had come into its own use! Yes, all those hours of making us experiment with grotesque ideas like Vegemite Scones (wtf?), the lecture on how one should NEVER make one’s tastefully decorated cupcakes punk electric blue (someone aka the teaching assistant got a severe contract reprimand for allowing the “ladies” at my grammar school to  use the wrong food coloring dye! Seriously!) FINALLY, those lessons in “What should a well brought-up young lady do if all she had was a leek, a bit of honey, possibly some left over little fish eggs  and some caster sugar in a pantry emergency?” paid off and justified why they charged the exorbitant fees for tuitions! hahahhahaa.

So here goes, and btw. I hate Nigella Lawson….she is creepy in that Tony and Cherie Blair way and what was that ridiculous thing at Fortnum with a real size statue of her made out of chocolate? Truly creepy and her little innuendos is about as sexy as having your bits gently grated on by one of  her designer Parmesan shakers….Don’t ask…..or if you must…ask  her fans from Chelsea to explain it to you…they have nothing else to do with their time! I do!

We need more Postmodern Xmas easy knock-ups for Postmodern People, for whom Xmas takes them by surprise and they may barely have a kitchen to cook and definitely end up raiding their ingredients from whatever they can find at the Garage, Afghan, Asian and Chinese stores!

So this is the Recipe for the “Sumptuous” Xmas feast I SUPERVISED the making of…..lol.

Starter: 

Name: Cecilia’s “It ain’t Rustic just ‘cos it didn’t come out of a Can” Carrot & Jamaican Sweet potato soup

How it sounds:

Organic Rustic Carrot and Sweet Potato soup

Fresh Garlic bread.

What we really did according to Cecilia’s cooking instructions:

Take a load of Carrot and Sweet Potatoes you get from Frank in the market, chop it up into little bits.

Chop up a bit of Onions. (also from Frank)

Fry the lot for  abit.

Add one of those pricey chicken stock (not the ones for 20pence a cube) with loads of Water

Cook it all up. Chuck it in the Blender. Presto….it all looks orangey and liquidy!

Put it in a bowl!

For the Garlic Bread:

Take a stick of froggy baguette, cut it all up.

Get a wad of low-sodium butter (cos the salt taste crap) mix it with a load of grated garlic, add a bit of Green basil or whatever that is Green in your herb tray.

Chuck butter stuff on Bread bit, stick it under fire for  abit until it burns a little…

Scrape out the burnt bit.

Put it next to soup! Presto! If your plate looks pretty enough, no one will know the diff!

Main:

Name: Cecilia’s East-West fusion Orange Duck with Cranberry Sauce  and I don’t have time Roast!

How it sounds:

Orange Duck roast stuffed with onions, Sweet potatoes, chicken, fresh cranberries and pommegranates on a bed of Algerian cous cous.

With a Jus de Cranberry, Orange & Soya , spiced wine sauce.

What we really did:

Night before…aka 1am in the morning! lol.

Make a marinate out of orange marmalade, soya sauce and chicken stocks + fresh orange juice from a real orange and use that thingy (grating thing) to get some orange zests from orange peel, mix it all up in a big bowl.

Stuff Rearend of duck with fresh cranberries mixed with chopped up Sweet potatoes, chicken, onions, pommegranites, throw in a few splashes of the duck marinate..

rubbed Dead carcass of Duck all over with orange marmalade, then splash duck with marinate.

Glad wrap the whole thing so the cat doesn’t eat it all.

Next Day. turn on oven to about 180 C, stuff the whole thing in the oven and just splash marinate on it every hour for about 3 hrs until it is all done!

Take the thing out, put cous cous in hot water, put cous cous on the bottom of the plate, add in cooked duck and stuffings on top.

For the gravy, take whatever juice at the bottom of the duck bit, drain it of all fat (easy as it seperates) so all you get is the ducky, cranberry and orange sauce bit, add a bit of mulled wine and a bit of flour, stir it around until it is thick. Done!

Behold…some East-West fusion duck with a fancy name…on some North African stuff…

Dessert:

Name: Cecilia’s Whatever was still sold on Xmas night Ice-cream Sundae

How it sounds:

Vanilla infused Ice cream served with a chocolate sculpture of almonds, decorative jellies, mellows of marsh and organically colored infused mini-sugar baubles.

Green Tea or Coffee.

What we really did:

Totally forgot about dessert, so ran down to the local Afghan stores or anyone Hindu, Chinese or whatever that is still open on Xmas day, got Vanilla ice-cream…stuck a stick of real vanilla into the tub (found old stick of vanilla in the bottom of the herb bag), used a hammar to smash up whatever bits of almonds were left from the nibble-box, found slightly dried mini-marshmellows from hot chocolate making days, found some pretentious looking jelly and hundred-thousands decorations from fancy bottles which meant those x2 decorations, cost more than the tub of Ice-cream AND the chocolate sauce that hardens in room temperature…

Chuck it all together in a pretty glass! Viola! Trumped up fancy Chocolate Sundae!

Boxing Day Surprise!

Name: Cecilia’s “I can’t freaking believe I can bottle this MAGIC Duck & Orange Ragu” Pasta Sauce

How it sounds:

Mediterranean Duck Ragu on a bed of fresh Tagliatelle, Asparagus and Beans to garnish.

What we really did:

“We” finished the Danish Duck and it was nice enough…

But that is not the cool bit…we managed to invent a new pasta ragu recipe the next day using all the left overs!

This “Magic Duck Ragu” recipe is amazing, you gotta try it:

-Leftover Orange Duck breast with cranberries and mulled wine gravy dressing (take skin away), use a pair of  kitchen scissors to shred the duck. You can Scissors anything up once it is cooked! Always have a pair of kitchen Scissors if you can’t be bothered chopping with knives and don’t want to fork out for an expensive and mostly Useless Food chopper/processor/whatever.

So, once shredded, put it all in a pot.

-add chicken, sweet potatoes and fresh cranberries stuffings to the pot.
-Add half a bottle of white wine to the same pot.
-Steamed zucchini, loads of fresh basil leaves, fresh garlic, a tab of butter and some tomato paste blended together as a thickener and chuck it into the pot.

On slow heat, heat the whole lot of stuff up and then turn off the heat when it is done.

Add a dollop of creme fraiche to serve with boiled whatever that is left in your pantry of the pasta type, in this case half a bag of fresh Tagliatelle in the fridge!

YUM!

It is sooo amazing tasting! It is sooo good, it taste like those gourmet ragu you get in a jar! You gotta try it!

Happy Holidays!

These recipes are so Simple and Basic, even a Scandinavian Cook can’t mess it up!